Quiet Desperation

Monday, August 18, 2003

I am sitting here drumming my fingers rapidly upon my knee staring out the window. sometimes I genuinely fear that I am going insane! but doesn't genuinely fearing insanity make you insane? it's a vicious cycle. what am I going ot do???

posted by Mary 2:36 PM

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

How could I live without my friend Grace? I would not be the same person today without her. Not at all. She is so human and that’s why I love her so. But I also love her because she was sent by God to me. And in that there is a nonhuman element. There are few friends in my life that share this description. But the ones that do are blessed and bless me more than I will ever know.

posted by Mary 12:08 AM

Friday, August 08, 2003

You know, if Carol and I had met under different circumstances, I think we could have been really good friends. Sometimes that girl echos my thoughts word for word . . . or does she put into words what I just can't say? Whichever way, I hope I have a good friend like Carol Lee someday.

posted by Mary 10:56 PM

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Friends seem so fleeting, so fickel to me. The person you confide in one day turns out to be the person you're running from the next day ): What does it mean? Does it have to be like this for the rest of my life? I don't know who to go to anymore. I feel so weary. The people I love most can hurt me most but then who do you go to for support when that happens?? God is my only refuge.

I remember a conversation with Chris when I told him that I would never want a friend to fall in love with me. He said I was being really selfish and one-sided to say that. But that's how I feel--I feel that our friends change so fast, it's like they turn on us. Now, in my mind I know that what he said is true. It's not them changing on us, it's us discovering more about them. If we don't like what we find, that's our own problem.

There are some friends I have that I really know, faults and all. We have a deeper relationship because of it. But what if you become close to someone and then discover that you can't handle their faults--that they hurt you too much, or bring out the worst in you instead of calling you to a higher place? It's tough.

But I am letting everyone down too . . . I'm changing a lot . . . a WHOLE lot. There's no one to change with me though. So if I'm turning on everyone at home, and everyone I'm living with at school, where do I go from here? The closest I'll ever get to a lifelong friend is in a husband, but who's to say we won't turn on each other?

And yet, what a friend we have in Jesus. He is the Friend that sticks closer than a brother. Good thing, because my brothers are gone too. I'm doubting a lot about myself and my life. I need to find out who I am. God, help me to overcome these boundries set by who I was and let me find out who I am. I need to escape the things that tie me down and find out who You want me to be! Please take me away from here, take me to a place where things aren't pulling me in every direction, where I don't have to worry about everyone else, but only about You. Help me God . . . thank You so much for being the same yesterday, today, and forever.

posted by Mary 8:57 PM