Thursday, December 29, 2005
I deleted the last two posts for being fluffy, barrowed, and untrue to my "sad, green blog." I'll be honest and say that I dearly miss this blog and the days in which it invited my best and truest writings. I'm not the same person as I was then. I read one of my deepest pieces here, and I thought "oh, I must have been on my cycle . . ." Have I turned into a man? That is no reason to snub a woman's words. I believe even those times help to clarify my deepest thoughts, finally setting me free to myself.
I cannot be that girl anymore . . . I say girl because I genuinely feel I've grown out of her. I'm also genuinely sad about that. I've had to stifle and ignore quite a lot after college. I realize that most of my interests are based on escaping myself. But even traveling doesn't appeal, because anywhere I go, I will be there, and it will no longer be a place of refuge and escape. I will bring everything along that has become me--everything I want to escape.
Maybe someone understands.
It's the blessed insecurity of dying in obscurity. I long to die in obscurity if only to reaffirm my life as not dependant on human connection and false foundations. It seems to be the obscurest of us that hold the most poignant roles on this earth.
God knows our lonely souls.
PS
if anyone reads this blog, please leave a comment on this post. i don't believe anyone knows of it, and those who do probably do not keep up anymore. but for curiosity sake, i would like to know.
posted by Mary 12:37 AM
